Echo's story

Influenced largely from my mythology discussion group. 

I sat with Jane as she shared about her feelings of anger and grief regarding her husband. They had gotten into another fight over Christmas because he forgot to buy presents and didn’t want to hear about Jane's hurt because “work was too stressful right now.” I listened to Jane with interest as, over the course of the session, she convinced herself that her anger was actually selfish and that she needed to “be the compassion that she wants to get in the world.” “He really does work very hard,” she pointed out. We hadn’t been working too long together, but she had made it clear already that she was not open to any input from me about this as of yet. This was just one of many examples of her plight, and it seemed clear that Jane’s husband was playing a narcissistic role in the relationship. 

Many of us are familiar with the myth of Narcissus. We have a personality disorder named after him. Narcissus was pursued by many for his beauty, and he rejected them all. Eventually he found a pond and beheld his own reflection. He was gripped so powerfully by his own mirrored image that he wasted away through self-neglect, unwilling to depart from his fixation on himself, even to eat or drink. It’s a tragic tale and a reflection on the dangers of overly rigid self-focused living. 

Less known is the tale of Echo. A mountain nymph and really a footnote in Narcissus’ story (How ironic). Her tale is also a tragedy, one worthy of more attention. Echo is recruited by Zeus to distract Hera (his wife) while he leaves to go fool around with some other nymphs. Hera discovers what Echo is trying to do and curses her to be unable to say anything except to reflect back what people tell her. Echo then meets Narcissus and predictably, falls in love with him. He rejects her and she, overcome by the torment of the loss, chooses to waste away, leaving only an echo behind. What a painful end for all of the generosity that she tried to offer. 

Perhaps Echo can be understood as the opposite of Narcissus. While Narcissus is wholly self-focused, Echo might represent total other focus. She became the patsy for Hera’s wrath, and she was forced to become a creature of complete receptivity, only able to reflect back others' words to her. Perhaps this can offer an insight into Echo’s attraction to Narcissus, beyond his beauty. If Echo is a being fated to be empathically connected to others, and never able to reflect on her own wants and needs, how appealing is Narcissus! A person who has no trouble looking inwards and reflecting back his own self to the world, seems like a perfect fit. Alas, like so many empath-narcissist pairings, the empath bears the terrible burden of endless labor. This bears striking resemblance to Jane's plight in our session. Her attempts to rehabilitate, nourish, and heal her husband; seems to be met with resistance in equal measure. 

This reflection reminded me of one of my favorite articles about empathic balance and gender. Lucy Holmes*, an influential writer in analytic thought, explores how young children often grow up with the message that their value to family is their ability to empathize and care. This message of course tends to target young girls most often. For children who are trained in this way, being a giver is paramount, and self focused impulses were to be viewed as “selfish,” or even dangerous in the family unit. For children, who need a tremendous amount of resources from their parents, it’s no surprise that they would agree to ignore their self needs. This pattern follows into adulthood as well. Lucy talks about a retraining that takes place for many looking to recover from this painful state of being. She calls it partial identification. The ability to use the empathic function, but to then return to the self; flowing between each state to best make use of the benefits of each. 

Echo and Narcissus were never going to work, just like empath-narcissist dynamics rarely satisfy either party. It’s too rigid. We need to each be able to access Echo and Narcissus inside of each of us in order to thrive. Echo teaches us to pay attention to others and helps us make connections. Narcissus teaches us to pay attention to ourselves and champion our own needs. If we skew too far towards Echo or Narcissus, we severely limit our ability to both give and receive nourishment. Echo and Narcissus need to both be honored inside of us. 

I liken this technique of partial identification to breathing. We inhale Narcissus and exhale Echo, breathing in self-attunement and breathing out other attunement. Appreciating the information that each provides. This creates a good psychological habitat for developing charisma, because we need to be able to track both ourselves and others to be creative interpersonally. If the balance skews narcissistic, we come off boorish and even manipulative; If we lean too empathic, we come off needy, and unavailable (usually due to burnout). Some of us need to cultivate more appreciation for Narcissus, and some for Echo. 

Ultimately, Jane started working with me because she wants more inner freedom. Working with Jane gives me a deeper appreciation for the power of Echo, and its dangers. Our work is moving us gradually towards developing awareness that Echo might not be the only valuable input needed. For Jane, partial identification will allow the creativity to skillfully stand for her needs. No longer will she be locked in a fully empathic stance. She will be free of Echo’s tragedy. 

*Holmes, L (2009)- The Technique of Partial Identification: Waking up to the world

**Jane and her situation are not real, but she is based on real clinical events in my practice.